


Let me be your mirror

by HopeSilverheart



Series: Loving Em at 2AM [34]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: (sort of), Alternate Universe - Criminals, Boys In Love, Crimes & Criminals, Criminal Simon, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Guns, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Simon Lewis, Jace Wayland is a Lightwood, Lawyer Jace, M/M, Minor Character Death, Organized Crime, Protective Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:40:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24830995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: Jace was a protector at heart, and Simon loved that about him. However, it also meant he would need the extra boost tea could provide him with.“You only make tea when you’re unsettled,” Jace spoke from behind him, startling Simon badly enough that he almost dropped the mug in his hands. Apparently, sudden noises were a no-go for now; he’d have to get that fixed soon enough. “You know, I was serious when I said you didn’t have to talk about this, but I’m your boyfriend, Si. I’ll always be here to listen if you need to get something off your chest.”Or: Simon gets a little more involved in the criminal lifestyle than he anticipated, and Jace is there to help him through it.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland
Series: Loving Em at 2AM [34]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764400
Comments: 2
Kudos: 87





	Let me be your mirror

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatnerdemryn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/gifts).



> no, we're not talking about the title

When he had joined the Lightwood organisation, Simon had never thought he would actually have to fight for them. He wasn’t one for violence, and he could barely hold his own against his little sister, let alone a group of criminals.

However, that choice had been taken away from him when a few rogue enemies of Alec’s had stormed into the building one day and had aimed their guns at him. He hadn’t had the time to think. The only thing he had had in his hand was the pistol Alec had gifted him when he had been hired, and he had had no other choice but to use it.

Hours later, he could still feel their blood on his hands – metaphorically of course – and couldn’t bring himself to look in his bathroom mirror. Maybe he should have thought about the implications of allying himself to criminals a little more when he had accepted Alec’s job offer. Maybe then he wouldn’t be stuck in his bedroom, hands shaking and head full of invasive thoughts he couldn’t get rid of.

His colleagues, thankfully, hadn’t mocked him for his reaction. They had all killed plenty of people in their lives, but even they had admitted that the first one was the hardest, especially since Simon hadn’t wanted to be a part of the actual ‘crime’ portion of things in the first place. Alec, bless him, had sent Simon home with firm instructions to only come back when he was ready to handle being in the building again.

He had never been more grateful for their made-up family than he was in that moment. Honestly, he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to go back, although he would certainly try. He wanted to be there for his friends, for Alec and Izzy and especially for Clary, who was more at risk than anyone else – criminally-allied, but not trained. He _wanted_ to be by their side, he really did. He just wasn’t sure he would ever be able to deal with the violence side of things, and he didn’t know if he would ever manage to hold a gun again.

Alec had told him the gun was a necessity, which meant that without it, he couldn’t be a Lightwood employee. So until he could handle the pistol’s weight in his hand without freaking out, he would have to stay away.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp knock on his apartment door. Simon frowned, wondering who could possibly be stopping by so late at night. The Lightwoods were still in the building dealing with their intruders and their injured, and Clary was probably with them, checking on her girlfriends. And the only person who he wanted to see had asked him to keep him out of his criminal life, so Simon hadn’t called to tell him about his eventful evening.

He headed for the door slowly, his whole body on edge as he wondered if this was perhaps another enemy coming to finish Simon off. Maybe the man he had killed had friends or family who wouldn’t hesitate to murder him if they found out about his role in their loved one’s death. Maybe they had already found him.

By the time he reached his front door, he was trembling all over and praying to the lord that he wasn’t about to die. He really didn’t want to die, but he had already killed once today. If someone showed up on his doorstep with a weapon, Simon wouldn’t be able to defend himself. He was utterly vulnerable and he hated it.

He breathed in deeply before throwing the door open, coming face to face with…

“Jace?”

His boyfriend smiled softly, pushing past him and making his way into Simon’s apartment as though it was the most natural thing in the world. The two of them had only been together for a few weeks and had barely been out on dates, let alone inside each other’s homes, but Jace walked in there like he owned the place.

Or more accurately, like he couldn’t stand to be outside for even a second longer. His eyes were full of worry and anger, and Simon was starting to realise he didn’t have to call Jace for him to show up. Alec and Izzy had probably done it for him before he even left the Lightwood building.

“I don’t know what your siblings told you, but I promise you I’m okay,” he mumbled, shutting the door behind him and shuffling uncomfortably as Jace ran his eyes up and down his body a few times. “I _promise you_ , Jace. I wasn’t hurt, I made it out in one piece, and I even got a couple of vacation days out of the whole affair. I couldn’t be better if I tried.”

Jace raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing him for a second, and Simon had no idea whether he should be annoyed or grateful for his boyfriend. He should have known Jace wouldn’t trust his word; after all, the blond man was a lawyer and could probably tell the truth from a lie in less than a second.

“Bullshit,” Jace eventually said, pointing an accusing finger at Simon. “I know you better than that, Simon Lewis. My boyfriend would have already kissed me by now if he were really _okay_. If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine, but don’t lie about how you’re doing, Si. You never have to pretend to be okay around me, alright? You asked me last week to let down my defences and let you in, and the same goes for you. I’m not going to get scared and leave just because you’re not always happy. It would be ridiculous and extremely hypocritical.”

Simon sighed heavily and took a few steps forward until Jace and he were only a few inches away from each other. The blond stared at him with sincere, mis-matched eyes, and Simon decided that he really didn’t care if Jace could handle him at his worse or not.

He felt the first tear stream down his face and, after that, he was lost. He melted against Jace, wrapping his arms tightly around his boyfriend and letting the sobs wrack out of him loudly. Jace, the wonderful man, didn’t say anything. Instead, he carded his fingers through Simon’s hair gently and hummed softly, an unrecognisable melody that did miracles for Simon’s stress levels.

It took them a while, maybe half an hour – or more – but eventually, Simon calmed down. He still felt raw and dirty and like he would never recover from his hectic evening, but Jace was still there and that meant more to him than he had thought it would. His boyfriend, who had purposefully left the crime world and asked Simon to keep him out of all that business, hadn’t hesitated to hold Simon close even after he had _killed_ someone.

If Simon hadn’t already been halfway in love with the man, that would have done it.

“Better now?” Jace murmured, his hands having lowered themselves to cup Simon’s cheek at some point during their extended hug. The brunet nodded slowly, not trusting himself to speak without bursting into another round of tears. “You were right, you know, crying really does help with the whole ‘emotions’ thing. My boyfriend gives the best advice, and I’m glad he’s finally applying it to himself as well.”

“Hmm,” Simon snorted quietly. “Maybe hypocrites are attracted to each other.”

“That would explain the strange connection I felt from the very start,” Jace mused out loud, snapping his fingers as though he had just solved a mystery. Simon chuckled, his lips twitching into a semi-genuine grin. “And there’s my favourite man in the world. You’re always pretty Si, but nothing beats your smiles. I swear I could lose myself in them if you let me.”

“I’d let you do anything to me,” Simon whispered, pecking Jace’s lips once before stepping away from his boyfriend.

He rubbed his eyes clean of any lingering wetness and ran one of his hands through his hair, helplessly trying to tame what had undoubtedly turned into a bird’s nest. If Jace’s laughter was anything to go by, he wasn’t doing half as well as he had hoped he would.

With one mock-scowl sent Jace’s way, Simon walked into his tiny kitchen and put some water to boil, hoping a cup of tea would help him completely settle down after his little breakdown. Jace’s presence was doing wonders for him, but he could still feel restlessness itching underneath his skin and could still imagine the blood stuck underneath his fingernails.

If he wanted to sleep that night, he needed at least a cup of tea. Maybe even two or three, depending on what Jace said next.

Simon wasn’t stupid enough to think that his boyfriend was just going to leave him behind without checking up on him again. The blond would probably ask him some inane – adorably concerned – questions about whether or not Simon wanted him to stay, if he was really alright, if he needed anything else…

Jace was a protector at heart, and Simon loved that about him. However, it also meant he would need the extra boost tea could provide him with.

“You only make tea when you’re unsettled,” Jace spoke from behind him, startling Simon badly enough that he almost dropped the mug in his hands. Apparently, sudden noises were a no-go for now; he’d have to get that fixed soon enough. “You know, I was serious when I said you didn’t have to talk about this, but I’m your boyfriend, Si. I’ll always be here to listen if you need to get something off your chest.”

“Except if it’s about criminal stuff,” Simon reminded him, pouring his cup of boiling water and wondering if the heat would soothe him or only make things worse. In the end, he decided against picking the scorching mug up, much to Jace’s obvious relief. “You told me you didn’t want to hear about the organisation and whatever it is that your siblings do, and I respect that. However, that means I can’t tell you about what happened today, since it’s technically a work thing.”

“Si, you absolute moron,” Jace sighed, circling Simon’s waist from behind and resting his chin on the brunet’s shoulder. It was a tight fit, but they made it work. “Is that why you didn’t call me as soon as you got home? Because you thought I wouldn’t want to hear about this? When I said I didn’t want to hear about work, I meant that I didn’t want to hear about useless details that would only get both of us in trouble if you ever got caught. I _didn’t_ mean that you couldn’t come to me if you almost got shot and had to use a gun on someone else. There’s a pretty big difference between those two things, don’t you think?”

“I mean, yeah,” Simon muttered. “But I thought the second would be even worse than the first, given that I- I mean, considering what I did today, maybe it’s best if I don’t tell you about it.”

“What? Because you killed someone?”

Simon froze, his heart beating wildly even as his brain stopped working. It made sense for Jace to know about his actions, especially if he had talked to Alec or Izzy, but Simon hadn’t really thought about the implications earlier.

Jace knew he had killed someone. Jace knew Simon was a murderer, but he had still entered his home and kissed Simon and made him feel better about himself. He should have been horrified, but he had taken care of Simon instead. He should have broken up with him on the spot, but he had wiped Simon’s tears away instead. He shouldn’t have been here, but he was.

He was, and he was still looking at him with nothing but concern and love swimming in his eyes, and Simon didn’t know what to do with that. He had prepared himself for the worst, had told himself he would have to lie to his boyfriend and ask Alec to cover for him. He had been ready for everything, or so he had thought.

Apparently, he wasn’t ready for acceptance.

“Yes, Jace, because I killed someone,” Simon breathed out brokenly, his hands tightening around his mug almost painfully. He wanted to run away, but Jace was still plastered against his back protectively, and the last thing Simon wanted to do was break their embrace. His thoughts were a tangle of contradictions, and he didn’t know how to step over the complicated wires without hurting himself – or Jace – in the process. “You should hate me, call me a monster, break up with me, do _something_ to remind me that I just did something awful and shouldn’t be a free man! You’re a lawyer, Jace, you should want a man like me behind bars, where I belong!”

For a few seconds, all Simon could hear was his own laboured breathing. Jace didn’t speak for a long moment, and the brunet wondered if he had gone too far. Maybe he should have stayed quiet and accepted whatever comfort Jace wanted to give him. He shouldn’t have snapped, especially not to insult himself.

If there was one thing Jace hated, it was the people he loved talking badly about themselves. Simon had learned that the hard way when he had said something deprecating about himself after a long day at work, and it looked like he was going to get another lesson on the topic of self-love.

“First of all, you’re not a monster,” Jace whispered into his ear, his fingers rubbing soothing circles into Simon’s hips. The pressure grounded Simon, and he let himself push against his boyfriend’s hands in a silent order to keep going. “You’re the furthest thing from a monster, in fact. I’d call you an angel if I believed in them, but I suppose I’ll settle for a wonderful, beautiful, kind, generous, loving human being. You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met, Si, and I won’t let you talk about yourself like you’re worth any less because you killed someone in self-defence.”

“How can you say that?” Simon choked out. “How can you know that it was self-defence? You weren’t there when I pulled the trigger. For all you know, I could have killed him for the fun of it.”

“Right,” Jace snorted. “Because you definitely look like someone who’s riding a kill-high. Please, Simon, give me some credit here. Your hands have been shaking ever since I walked in, you’re paler than ever, you broke down in my arms, and you’re having your favourite tea that you only drink when you’re feeling sad or guilty about something. I haven’t known you for long, but I know you’re not a senseless and cruel killer. Now tell me, was it self-defence, or did you do it ‘for the fun of it’?”

“Self-defence,” Simon mumbled, glad that he wasn’t looking into his boyfriend’s undoubtedly smug eyes. Jace loved being right, especially when it had something to do with the ones he cared about. “But that doesn’t make it any better. I still killed a man, still took someone’s life, and I should still be in jail.”

Jace hummed noncommittally, clearly about to say something that Simon either wouldn’t like or wouldn’t understand. Before Simon could ask which it was, Jace twirled him around in his arms so their foreheads and noses were brushing against each other. The blond man was so _close_ , and Simon took a second to remember that they weren’t here for a make-out session. They were here to talk about murder and death and all the reasons why Simon was a terrible man.

“I’ve killed before.”

Simon’s lips parted in surprise, and his eyes searched Jace’s face for any hint of deception. He wasn’t as good at truth-telling as his boyfriend was, but he had gotten to know Jace pretty well since they had started dating, and he was pretty sure he could tell when his boyfriend was lying to him. Unfortunately, this time it looked like he wasn’t.

“Don’t look so surprised,” Jace rolled his eyes. “I mean, come on Si. Alec and Izzy are my siblings, and our parents ran the family business before them. And even before I was with the Lightwoods, my biological parents were involved in the crime scene. I’m a lawyer now and damn proud of it, but my past isn’t all pretty. I was planning on telling you later on in our relationship, when I was a little surer about your feelings, but I guess now is as good a time as any.”

“Jace…” Simon started softly, his hands reaching up of their own accord to curl around his boyfriend’s neck. “You don’t have to tell me anything. I’m the one who killed someone today, not you.”

“And you need to hear about this,” Jace answered immediately. “Because I think it’ll help you deal with any guilt or feelings or unworthiness or whatever else is happening inside your mind right now. When I was 17, I killed someone in cold blood. The man was threatening Izzy because he wanted something from our mom, and I didn’t hesitate when I pulled the trigger. He was a criminal, of course, but I had the same choice as you had and I did the exact same thing. I’m not proud of it, and sometimes I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.”

Simon grimaced sympathetically, knowing exactly how Jace felt. Ever since he had let go of that pistol, the only he had been wanting to do was go back in time and change things. Maybe he would have died, but at least he wouldn’t be a murderer. Surely, being dead was better than being evil, right?

“I know what you’re thinking, but I promise it would have been just as bad,” Jace murmured, his eyes filling with sadness and understanding. “Right now, you feel like this is the worse thing that’s ever happened to you, but Simon… It gets better. I know those probably sound like empty words right now, but it does. You’ll wake up one day and no longer feel the need to scrub the invisible blood from underneath your nails. You’ll go to work one day and no longer look away from the scene of the murder. You’ll talk to me about in a year and maybe you’ll cry, but you won’t regret it anymore. Because Simon, that man was going to _kill you_.”

The words hit Simon harder than he thought they would. Because everything that Jace was saying felt like a lie, but it sounded like the truth. He wanted to believe his boyfriend, but he didn’t want to either, because he didn’t want to- Because he couldn’t- Because he didn’t know _how_ -

“I don’t know how to forgive myself,” he whispered brokenly. “How am I supposed to look at myself in the mirror, Jace?”

“For a while, you just won’t be able to,” his boyfriend replied gently, a sad smile tugging at his lips. “You’ll have to let other people be your mirror. You’ll have to let the people you love remind you why life is worth living, and you’ll have to trust us when we say we still lo- care about you.”

Simon knew what Jace had been about to say and a part of him wanted to push his boyfriend, but he knew now wasn’t the time. He was too emotionally damaged at the moment to handle even more feelings, no matter how positive they might be. Instead, he nodded and rested his head in the crook of Jace’s neck.

“Thank you,” he murmured, his lips brushing against Jace’s skin with every syllable. “For understanding. I’m sorry this happened to you too but thank you for knowing what to say.”

“Of course,” Jace huffed softly. “Whatever you need, Si. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there. And you know what? I think it’s high time for the two of us to train together. Martial arts won’t help you all the time, but they can sometimes mean the difference between having to pull the trigger and fighting back in a less deadly manner. I think you might like that, right?”

“Yeah,” Simon said, his eyes filling with grateful tears. “Yeah, I think I might.”

He didn’t know what he had done to deserve someone like Jace in his life, but he would forever be thankful to whatever deity had blessed him with such an amazing love. Jace was a dream come true, and if Simon had anything to say about it, he would never let him go.

He had killed a man that evening, and he didn’t think he would get over that any time soon, but Jace didn’t care. Jace didn’t care, and that was _all_ Simon cared about.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! The Lightwood Crime Universe has really started growing a lot, so much so that I'm considering writing an actual chaptered fic that would follow the different couples through an actual crime-related plot. Right now, the one-shots are in complete disorder and written at random for Em (and what she wants to read), but I'm definitely going to start something a little longer at some point. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the sweet Jimon Hurt/Comfort!
> 
> Love, Junie. 
> 
> (find me on tumblr @hopesilverheart)


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